Drunk Down Under
by 0bsidianFire
Summary: When Demo challenges the team to it's first drinking contest, he fully expects to win. Sniper decides to use the contest to get some information from Demo and Engineer would really like to know exactly what is going on. Or, why Sniper isn't allowed to participate in team drinking contests anymore. Inspired by (but no spoilers for) the 'Blood in the Water' comic.


An: Inspired by the scene in Sniper's house in the _Blood in the Water_ comic. Because I can't see this_ not_ happening at some point.

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><p>Naturally, Demo was the one who came up with the idea of a drinking contest. It was a few months into the current incarnation of the Gravel Wars and the team was finally getting a hang of each other's personal quirks. Nobody had snuck up behind the Sniper or Spy in days (finding yourself on the floor with a blade at your throat was never fun), everyone now knew to not put unpackaged food on the bottom shelf of the laboratory refrigerator (Medic had an annoying habit of letting organs drip body fluids onto it), and everyone but Pyro and Scout made a conscious effort not to bother Engineer and Demo when they were working on the next day's projects in their workshops (both of them had extreme tunnel vision). Which was probably why Demo was finally comfortable enough to get himself drunk in the base as well as on the battlefield.<p>

"So, " he said one evening after dinner, "Do any o' ya think ya can handle more Scrumpy then me?" He slammed an unopened bottle of Scrumpy on the table and leered at everyone over it.

Engineer snorted over his own bottle of BLU Streak beer. "Nope. Although I sure wouldn't mind seein' all you other fellers try."

"Oh please, it is unthinkable that I'd even drink that swill." Spy shook his head and lit the first of that night's many cigarettes. "Count me out."

"Me as well" Heavy rumbled and crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head.

"Englishman, it is inconceivable you can out-drink me." Soldier got to his feet and glared at Demo. "Count me in."

"Me too! Me too!" Scout said, "I bet I'll—"

"Scout, " Medic leaned back in his chair and smirked at him. "Do you want to know what it is like to be without you liver?"

"Ah... no." Scout smiled weakly.

"Then you will not be participating. I have been wanting to study the effects alcohol has on a BONK! enhanced liver for some time now." Medic's smirk widened into a grin that resembled a shark's.

"You..." Scout sputtered. "Screw you!" He stormed out of the kitchen muttering under his breath and slammed several doors on his way to his room.

"Oh well, " Medic shrugged and raised an eyebrow at Demo and Soldier. "I will not be participating as I probably need to cure your hangovers before tomorrow's match. If any of you need me, I will be in my laboratory; I have intestine samples to go though." He too left the table and disappeared down the hallway that led to the base's basement.

Demo laughed to himself and looked over at Pyro. "Eh... ya want some?" He shook the bottle of Scrumpy. Pyro shook it's head and gave Demo a thumbs-down sign. Demo nodded and turned to Sniper. "How 'bout ya?"

Sniper looked up from where he was sharpening his Bushwacka. "Actually..." he began, "I was wonderin' if I could interest you in a little bet."

"Like what?" Demo prompted.

"If I drink you under the table, " said Sniper, "You tell me where you got that hellhound tooth in your connection."

Demo arched the eyebrow over his good eye. "An' if I win?"

Sniper crossed his arms. "You get my family's moonshine recipe."

Demo grinned fiercely at him. "Deal."

"And if I win?" Solder growled.

"Ya can call me an Englishman all you want, " Demo said. "O' course, that means you can't call me that if I win..." Solder paused for a moment and then nodded. With that Demo left to get more Scrumpy.

Heavy, Spy and Engineer turned to look at Sniper. "Y'sure you can keep up with him?" Engineer asked.

Sniper nodded.

"Well, I'm not sticking around to watch your uncultured social rituals." Spy breathed smoke out though his nose and left the kitchen haughtily. Pyro shrugged and followed him out.

Demo came back with shot glasses and a case of Scrumpy. He put them on the table looked over at Engineer. "Ya want to pour these out, Engie?"

Engineer nodded and began pouring. "I'm assumin' y'want me to judge?" Demo nodded. Engineer snickered and sat down at the end of the table. He looked at all three people who were taking part. "Start."

By the end of the first five shots, Soldier was barely sitting upright and Demo's eyes weren't focusing right. Sniper didn't look any different. Engineer eyed Sniper and told them to continue. After another three shots, Soldier tumbled off his chair.

"He's out, " said Engineer.

Heavy got up and slung Soldier onto his shoulder. "I take him to his room. Do not wait for me."

Engineer nodded as Heavy left the room. "Y'all doin' okay?" Both Sniper and Demo nodded and Engineer refilled the shot glasses. He paid careful attention to the glasses Sniper had used. "Alrighty, let's see who wins this." Sniper and Demo eyed each other and started drinking.

It took another four shots for Demo's hands to start to twitch and another five for his legs to begin fidgeting. It was also at that time that the Sniper's pupils became different sizes. Engineer kept track of who was drinking from what glass. It was obvious that something weird was going on, he just didn't know what yet. Nobody, not even Demo, could drink that much alcohol at once and have such an extreme non-reaction to it.

It was shot number twenty-one that did in Demo. He was half-way though drinking it when he shook so hard he fell over the table. Demo groaned and looked at Engineer. "Did 'e cheat?"

"Nope." Engineer gave Sniper a look. It went unsaid that he'd be asking Sniper some pointed questions afterwards.

"Ya win, " said Demo to Sniper. "I'll tell ya after work tomorrow." Sniper silently nodded. Demo hauled himself up and walked himself out of the kitchen using the wall for support.

Engineer waited until Demo was out of earshot before rounding on Sniper. "All right. How'd'ja do it? I know it wasn't the glasses or the alcohol 'cause Demo provided both'a those."

Sniper rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked at Engineer before looking away again. He sighed. "I might as well show you, Truckie. At least you're not the Doc. Come 'ere."

He led Engineer outside the base and towards his van. Sniper opened the his van for Engineer and wove their way between various hunting trophies towards the back. Sitting in the back of the Sniper's van was an alcohol distillation still. Sniper removed the metal jar the still was dripping into and passed it to Engineer. "Taste that, " he said.

Engineer sipped at the alcohol and nearly choked as it burned it's way down his throat. He'd never tasted an alcohol that felt like it burned as much as that one. "What is that?"

"My family's moonshine recipe." Sniper took the jar and drank a long drink from it. He inspected the edge of the metal jar. "Well, looks like this one's about done." He grinned at Engineer. "If you leave it sittin' for more then a few hours, it burns right though thin metal." Engineer's jaw dropped and Sniper laughed. "Fortunately Mann Co. makes metal jars that are several inches thick. If I'm careful, they'll last me a few weeks."

"I'd certainly hope so, " said Engineer. "What'd'ja do? Grow up drinkin' that instead'a water?"

"Just about." Sniper took another drink of the moonshine. He glanced at Engineer. "You want the rest of this?"

"For what?" Engineer snorted. "I'd be crazy to drink it."

"You mean you don't wanna to know what's in here?" Sniper raised an eyebrow.

"Well... If you're offerin'..." Engineer's face broke out into a grin fit to match Medic's whenever body-parts were mentioned.

Sniper laughed and gave the jar back to Engineer. "Just don't let Medic find about it. I'd hate to find myself at the end of a medibeam made out of that."

"Medic?" said Engineer. "Ever thought 'bout what Pyro'd do with moonshine like this?"

Sniper blinked. "You know, I was hopin' to not get nightmares tonight." He yawned.

Engineer smirked. "Sorry 'bout that." He turned and began to make his way out of Sniper's van. Engineer looked in the jar in his hand. "Wonder what this stuff would do to glass..."

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><p>In the course of the next month, Sniper added another tooth to the band of his hat. It was a large canine tooth that was always warm to the touch and was always streaked with soot. Also new was the canine skull sitting on top of the Tasmanian Wolf pelt on his dresser. The skull had a small round hole centered right between the eye sockets that matched up with another hole on the back of the skull. It was also missing one of it's canine teeth. Like the Sniper's new tooth, the skull was always unnaturally warm and no amount of cleaning could remove the thin layer of soot on it.<p>

Meanwhile, Engineer had come up with a new building destruction method. Before, buildings electrocuted themselves to death and left behind nothing but unusable twisted metal. Now, buildings collapsed in on themselves at the joints, leaving behind a pile of sentry parts that Engineer could easily reuse with very little trouble. When asked about the change, Engineer said that he had a scientific breakthrough with "selective dissolving agents". The rest of the team assumed it was nothing other then technobabble, but nothing could stop Sniper from laughing every time he heard it.

As for the rest of the team, they were in complete agreement with Demo's suggestion that Sniper was never allowed to take part in inter-team drinking contests again. That didn't stop them from having more drinking contests which led them to discover that Scout could in fact hold his alcohol better then Soldier could (he credited his mother for that), that Engineer could see just fine though all of Spy's attempts to cheat (Spy knew plenty of ways to not drink while making it look like he was), and that Heavy's idea of a drinking contest was to see who could make the most different types of cocktails in under fifteen minutes (alcohol straight out of a bottle was too boring for him). It also didn't stop Sniper from out-drinking everyone else in the Badlands...

End

AN: I made an SFM fanart of this which can be found here (take out the spaces): 0bsidianfire deviantart com/art/Drunk-Down-Under-Art-491845141


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